Welcome back to The Red Card League. This Sunday is a good day for soccer fans. You can watch Juventus vs Napoli, where Andrea Pirlo continues to make us wonder whether or not he's actually Chuck Norris in disguise. You can also watch, among countless other matches, Barcelona vs Atletico Madrid, and that's the match I'm going to focus on today.
Now, soccer is an unpredictable and wonderful sport, but there are some things that are quite easy to foresee. So, without further ado, I declare myself the Oracle of La Liga. Here are some of my visions for the match.
1. Luis Enrique realizes that he needs to figure out his staring lineup. In order to do this he enlists the help of David Moyes.
2. Moyes, being the absolute genius that we know him to be, will advise Luis Enrique to play Messi in goal, Neymar as a centre back,and Douglas as a striker. Luis Suarez is made head of the medical staff.
3. Messi makes it clear to everyone that he is not a happy bunny and proceeds to follow every soccer team that he can think of on Instagram.
4. Meanwhile in Atletico, Diego Simeone attempts to motivate his players by threatening to murder them. Most of the players are not very scared by this because they used to play with Diego Costa, so they're used to death threats.
5. Once the game actually starts, Messi does a very good job in goal because he's Messi, while Neymar is so confused by the centre back position that he tries to tackle himself and somehow succeeds.
6. The medical staff is called upon to help Neymar, but the medical staff has been eaten by Luis Suarez.
7. From the Atletico bench, Fernando Torres politely asks Diego Simeone to please pretty please with a cherry on top let him play. Simeone reminds Torres that he's over thirty years old.
8. Antoine Griezmann appears out of nowhere and scores twenty goals.
9. Luis Enrique begins to cry and says, between sobs, that he wants to go back to Celta Vigo.
10. The match is abandoned when Xavi breaks out into an interpretive dance about grass length.
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